Comparing a yawn

It's like.a festering thorn. The kind that when you try and dig it out all you are doing is helping it push deeper and deeper into your being. Until all of a sudden you realize you have become used to the pain and you accept as simply a part of you. And when it has fully assimilated into the deepness of yourself, you realize you are doomed to experience the pain...always. I can't escape the dull familiarity of who I am, and what is bound to unfold. I am like a careless yawn, faintly recognized, perhaps slightly necessary, but fleeting and forgettable. It's harder when you begin to see or at least think you see the dull return of the pain. It's even harder when you stand to lose so much, only to realize you are the loser, the other is the winner. And in the back of your head you always will hear, "it's because of who you are...you pathetic little yawn."



STW

The Facebook Generation

Whether we realize it or not, we have slipped and become the Facebook generation. Every picture, every witty phrase, every funny moment, we immediately associate with Facebook. We live our lives for the ultimate post or picture so when our hundreds of forgotten friends look upon our uniform wall, they will say "look how much fun that person is having. Man I want to be just like them". I don't point this out to say Facebook is a bad thing, if anything it has become a very useful tool in today's society. But if one stops to think about how it has altered our perception, one cannot help but feel a twinge of panic. Facebook has even altered how you build your own character. Every picture is craftily posed and delicately placed. You can make people believe you are a person based simply on the things you post. Soon that is who people think you are. If you post pics of a party you are a partier, different cities a traveler, lonely benches and mustaches you must be a hipster. It has become the platform of self creation. You no longer take a picture for personal memory or scrap booking but so you can finally nail that awesome profile pic. You want people to look and feel jealous. But when you click on your profile and view everything that is supposed to define you as you, do you gasp at the reflection in the mirror?

STW

My Creaky Limb

Its amazing the things that one can forget. You can forget keys, cell phone, shoes, clothes, etc. But what happens to a person when they forget a social skill. This is something that you can't easily recover by saying "shit I forgot to grab that". No the loss of an ability to act or realize you can act a certain way in a certain situation is crippling. Is it gone forever....no, but will it have immediate consequences....yes. And one can not simply run back and grab it. You must go through painful trial and error to simply try and see if you can get back what you once had. What makes this more difficult is trying to explain something like this to people, especially those that it may directly be relevant. You can't walk around with a disclaimer saying "due to past events, I have no idea how to act around you. Please be patient as hopefully this momentary period if idiocracy will wear off". Nope you have to hope that person might possibly stick around long enough so you can grab enough courage to walk out on you creaky limb and say/do something. Odds are they won't and odds are you will be left in a place you didn't truly want. So in the end all you can do is give the middle finger to those who caused you to forget this important life skill, and plow forward, realizing wholeheartedly that you are about to screw up in the most frustrating manner.




STW

A Note From Me

It is very rare that I write from the point of view from myself. Stanley represents the cynical yet creative voice that occupies a lot of my mind. But lately he has been pushed out by my own thoughts on life, my own string of realizations. I have to get this out because it is the block in my head that I simply have to pick up and move. Although nobody reads this I know it's out there, and I now it's finally out of my head for a while. Call it journaling or just a personal reflection, but this is where I am right now....

My life has been in flux for almost four months now. I have changed every single thing a person can change around them and have changed about as much internally as I can while keeping my sanity. Everything is new for me know, which is happy and scary all rolled up into one. But the biggest change other then moving to a new place has been the shuffle of people in my life. Unfortunately I had to face a very hard truth about myself that ended up hurting a lot of people. But I realized that you can't live life trying to be someone or hoping you become someone. I don't know if I ever truly loved her in a way that people do when they spend their whole life together, but then again, it's apparently easier to move on for some then others. And that thought has thrown me into a deep sense of paranoia. My sense of trust is shattered. And whether there was intention or not this is how I feel. It has caused me to run onto the arms of friendship, and flee just as quickly because the thought of ruining how someone MIGHT think of me. I value my friends so high because I don't like being alone. It is why I am so very choosy about who I spend time with. My greatest regret over the past four months was not admitting a painfully 6 year guarded secret to someone who ultimately is in a point and shoot mentality (quite literally in fact), but having to leave a different person because I was ruining a friendship. But I move on, both in this retelling and in life. Since then I have realized things are not going to change quickly. I sometimes view my life as a movie, but then I get caught waiting for the happy ending. The hardest part about all this are the lonely moments in my life right now. They are more lonely because I make them out to be and maybe I should apologize to a lot of my friends right now, I am sorry that I used you as a distraction from my self. Because instead of addressing who I was, I tried to avoid it by covering myself with friends. That may not make much sense, it makes very little sense to me but I know it's a feeling I have.. But I am making my life sound very sad right now and it's not. I have met some truly new and amazing people. People o never would have met had I not gone through the changes and reflections that I have been. I have done and tried things that are scary and absolutely fun. But I know I tread carefully still because I know my judgement on how people and view and feel towards me is usually I'll advised. I have realized that I have an inability to read people and am very unsure about things between people. Hopefully my paranoia will not ruin anything. My mind is less scattered these past few weeks then it has been for a long time. I believe it's a testament to the people who have let me be a part of their lives. I have a tremendous sense of excitement about the future of late because I feel optimistic about myself to a certain extent.

I have also started going back to church. The most balanced my life has ever been was when I had a balance with my religion, and it's time I chose to get back on that path.

But why stop here, since this is essentially me laying out myself to...well I guess myself. I miss my family a lot. I have missed watching my sisters, who I held after they were born, grow up. Nothing twists my heart more than that. I love my family. And that has probably been the hardest thing to bear over the past few years. And I think it has led to my fear of being alone. I don't enjoy it, in fact it depresses me. But for the first time in my life I am incredibly aware of how other people view my intentions, which makes it hard to simply carry on long conversations out of no where. Its amazing what happens to you when you realize that all your bravado was simply held up by sticks. You realize that you may not be as amazing as you thought you were and in fact you might be ordinary. I am not sure how else to word any more of my thoughts or feelings. Obviously these are more thoughts then feelings. If I were to reveal everything on how i feel about certain people I would have nagging fear of the consequences. So let me end this here y saying i am happier in my life then I have been in years. I am at a point where I can look at myself and have fun doing things that are a challenge and exciting. I hate being alone and most of my sadness comes from those lonely nights when I feel wasteful and unproductive. But I have a future and it's mine.

The Average Joe Theory (which is in no way limited to people named Joe)

Let me explain to you a theory that I both subscribe to and am a staunch believer in. It's called the average Joe theory. It refers to all people who, for lack of a better descriptive term, are average. We are not glorious, chiseled specimens. We were often looked over, because we had and may still have, very little presence. We are good people however. We are the ones overlooked because we don't make a scene nor do we demand constant attention. We are simply trying to figure out our lives. Our jobs are usually not flashy but usually very relevant. In the sense of relationships we are the stepping stone. We are guaranteed to be crushed by someone we care for because in the end, it's easy to hurt people who are too nice to really make anyone feel an ounce of guilt. There is also a general self doubt in our personality, usually because of the aforementioned crushing experiences. We try to associate ourselves with stronger personalities because we hope they will help bring out our own hidden appreciation for ourselves. But more often or not we are left in the very position I am left in at the moment. Attepting to pick up pieces and sift through all the paranoia that we create. This theory can be expanded onto more than just describing a personality. It affects even the people we, the average joes, desire. I am not saying we settle for less, I am simply saying that by the time we are given a serious shot, it's a settlement for that person. We are the people who end up saying "I am so lucky a person like you is with a person like me". The phrase is hardly ever reversed. I understand the depressing nature of this theory. But truly think it through and you will know it to be true. Average joes are great friends and genuinely good people who have to wait until someone will take them seriousely...or just settle for the average.

STW

I can unabashfully admit that my writing is viewed as condescending. That my views and my constant whining are both mindless and quite frankly not logical. I accept this judgement because it is true. But I was not created to paint an accurate portrayal of human thought. I have experienced all of my own bullshit, and all of the ridiculous emotions I speak to and rant about are ones that I feel. I am the very tragic character that I am disgusted with. My paranoia and self doubt run my life like a train with endless amounts of track. I am the very person I despise. One moment I sit criticizing people and my surroundings while the next I am looking for ways to iitiate some aspect of social contact. I admit my own pitiful thoughts and shortcomings because they are true and to put it simply, they are no longer a secret. I spend more time entertaining distant daydreams then I do actually living my dreams. But I admit these shortcomings. They are part of me. So while my writing may come across aloof and rather sensationalized, take comfort in the fact that I am the main character of my own dissatisfaction. You may feel some of this, I am sure we all do, but I feel all of it. I accept who I am because I dont want to change what makes me unique. We both know that is pleasant bullshit. I am self destructive and self deprecating. I am trapt in my head because there is nobody to open the door to get out. Then again I may have forgotten to tell people I was in here. So please judge me and my writing. I only wish you could find some criticism that I have not already expanded upon.


STW

The Jump

It's the deep breath
While you stand on the edge
Hoping your eyes will reassure your brain
But you see nothing, nothing
Your breath becomes heavy, noticeable
Your ears are filled
With the rush of your own thoughts
But something forces you to the edge
Something makes you move forward
And for an instance
When you are surrounded by air
You realize the fall could last forever

Stanley T Wiser