Comparing a yawn

It's like.a festering thorn. The kind that when you try and dig it out all you are doing is helping it push deeper and deeper into your being. Until all of a sudden you realize you have become used to the pain and you accept as simply a part of you. And when it has fully assimilated into the deepness of yourself, you realize you are doomed to experience the pain...always. I can't escape the dull familiarity of who I am, and what is bound to unfold. I am like a careless yawn, faintly recognized, perhaps slightly necessary, but fleeting and forgettable. It's harder when you begin to see or at least think you see the dull return of the pain. It's even harder when you stand to lose so much, only to realize you are the loser, the other is the winner. And in the back of your head you always will hear, "it's because of who you are...you pathetic little yawn."



STW

The Facebook Generation

Whether we realize it or not, we have slipped and become the Facebook generation. Every picture, every witty phrase, every funny moment, we immediately associate with Facebook. We live our lives for the ultimate post or picture so when our hundreds of forgotten friends look upon our uniform wall, they will say "look how much fun that person is having. Man I want to be just like them". I don't point this out to say Facebook is a bad thing, if anything it has become a very useful tool in today's society. But if one stops to think about how it has altered our perception, one cannot help but feel a twinge of panic. Facebook has even altered how you build your own character. Every picture is craftily posed and delicately placed. You can make people believe you are a person based simply on the things you post. Soon that is who people think you are. If you post pics of a party you are a partier, different cities a traveler, lonely benches and mustaches you must be a hipster. It has become the platform of self creation. You no longer take a picture for personal memory or scrap booking but so you can finally nail that awesome profile pic. You want people to look and feel jealous. But when you click on your profile and view everything that is supposed to define you as you, do you gasp at the reflection in the mirror?

STW

My Creaky Limb

Its amazing the things that one can forget. You can forget keys, cell phone, shoes, clothes, etc. But what happens to a person when they forget a social skill. This is something that you can't easily recover by saying "shit I forgot to grab that". No the loss of an ability to act or realize you can act a certain way in a certain situation is crippling. Is it gone forever....no, but will it have immediate consequences....yes. And one can not simply run back and grab it. You must go through painful trial and error to simply try and see if you can get back what you once had. What makes this more difficult is trying to explain something like this to people, especially those that it may directly be relevant. You can't walk around with a disclaimer saying "due to past events, I have no idea how to act around you. Please be patient as hopefully this momentary period if idiocracy will wear off". Nope you have to hope that person might possibly stick around long enough so you can grab enough courage to walk out on you creaky limb and say/do something. Odds are they won't and odds are you will be left in a place you didn't truly want. So in the end all you can do is give the middle finger to those who caused you to forget this important life skill, and plow forward, realizing wholeheartedly that you are about to screw up in the most frustrating manner.




STW

A Note From Me

It is very rare that I write from the point of view from myself. Stanley represents the cynical yet creative voice that occupies a lot of my mind. But lately he has been pushed out by my own thoughts on life, my own string of realizations. I have to get this out because it is the block in my head that I simply have to pick up and move. Although nobody reads this I know it's out there, and I now it's finally out of my head for a while. Call it journaling or just a personal reflection, but this is where I am right now....

My life has been in flux for almost four months now. I have changed every single thing a person can change around them and have changed about as much internally as I can while keeping my sanity. Everything is new for me know, which is happy and scary all rolled up into one. But the biggest change other then moving to a new place has been the shuffle of people in my life. Unfortunately I had to face a very hard truth about myself that ended up hurting a lot of people. But I realized that you can't live life trying to be someone or hoping you become someone. I don't know if I ever truly loved her in a way that people do when they spend their whole life together, but then again, it's apparently easier to move on for some then others. And that thought has thrown me into a deep sense of paranoia. My sense of trust is shattered. And whether there was intention or not this is how I feel. It has caused me to run onto the arms of friendship, and flee just as quickly because the thought of ruining how someone MIGHT think of me. I value my friends so high because I don't like being alone. It is why I am so very choosy about who I spend time with. My greatest regret over the past four months was not admitting a painfully 6 year guarded secret to someone who ultimately is in a point and shoot mentality (quite literally in fact), but having to leave a different person because I was ruining a friendship. But I move on, both in this retelling and in life. Since then I have realized things are not going to change quickly. I sometimes view my life as a movie, but then I get caught waiting for the happy ending. The hardest part about all this are the lonely moments in my life right now. They are more lonely because I make them out to be and maybe I should apologize to a lot of my friends right now, I am sorry that I used you as a distraction from my self. Because instead of addressing who I was, I tried to avoid it by covering myself with friends. That may not make much sense, it makes very little sense to me but I know it's a feeling I have.. But I am making my life sound very sad right now and it's not. I have met some truly new and amazing people. People o never would have met had I not gone through the changes and reflections that I have been. I have done and tried things that are scary and absolutely fun. But I know I tread carefully still because I know my judgement on how people and view and feel towards me is usually I'll advised. I have realized that I have an inability to read people and am very unsure about things between people. Hopefully my paranoia will not ruin anything. My mind is less scattered these past few weeks then it has been for a long time. I believe it's a testament to the people who have let me be a part of their lives. I have a tremendous sense of excitement about the future of late because I feel optimistic about myself to a certain extent.

I have also started going back to church. The most balanced my life has ever been was when I had a balance with my religion, and it's time I chose to get back on that path.

But why stop here, since this is essentially me laying out myself to...well I guess myself. I miss my family a lot. I have missed watching my sisters, who I held after they were born, grow up. Nothing twists my heart more than that. I love my family. And that has probably been the hardest thing to bear over the past few years. And I think it has led to my fear of being alone. I don't enjoy it, in fact it depresses me. But for the first time in my life I am incredibly aware of how other people view my intentions, which makes it hard to simply carry on long conversations out of no where. Its amazing what happens to you when you realize that all your bravado was simply held up by sticks. You realize that you may not be as amazing as you thought you were and in fact you might be ordinary. I am not sure how else to word any more of my thoughts or feelings. Obviously these are more thoughts then feelings. If I were to reveal everything on how i feel about certain people I would have nagging fear of the consequences. So let me end this here y saying i am happier in my life then I have been in years. I am at a point where I can look at myself and have fun doing things that are a challenge and exciting. I hate being alone and most of my sadness comes from those lonely nights when I feel wasteful and unproductive. But I have a future and it's mine.

The Average Joe Theory (which is in no way limited to people named Joe)

Let me explain to you a theory that I both subscribe to and am a staunch believer in. It's called the average Joe theory. It refers to all people who, for lack of a better descriptive term, are average. We are not glorious, chiseled specimens. We were often looked over, because we had and may still have, very little presence. We are good people however. We are the ones overlooked because we don't make a scene nor do we demand constant attention. We are simply trying to figure out our lives. Our jobs are usually not flashy but usually very relevant. In the sense of relationships we are the stepping stone. We are guaranteed to be crushed by someone we care for because in the end, it's easy to hurt people who are too nice to really make anyone feel an ounce of guilt. There is also a general self doubt in our personality, usually because of the aforementioned crushing experiences. We try to associate ourselves with stronger personalities because we hope they will help bring out our own hidden appreciation for ourselves. But more often or not we are left in the very position I am left in at the moment. Attepting to pick up pieces and sift through all the paranoia that we create. This theory can be expanded onto more than just describing a personality. It affects even the people we, the average joes, desire. I am not saying we settle for less, I am simply saying that by the time we are given a serious shot, it's a settlement for that person. We are the people who end up saying "I am so lucky a person like you is with a person like me". The phrase is hardly ever reversed. I understand the depressing nature of this theory. But truly think it through and you will know it to be true. Average joes are great friends and genuinely good people who have to wait until someone will take them seriousely...or just settle for the average.

STW

I can unabashfully admit that my writing is viewed as condescending. That my views and my constant whining are both mindless and quite frankly not logical. I accept this judgement because it is true. But I was not created to paint an accurate portrayal of human thought. I have experienced all of my own bullshit, and all of the ridiculous emotions I speak to and rant about are ones that I feel. I am the very tragic character that I am disgusted with. My paranoia and self doubt run my life like a train with endless amounts of track. I am the very person I despise. One moment I sit criticizing people and my surroundings while the next I am looking for ways to iitiate some aspect of social contact. I admit my own pitiful thoughts and shortcomings because they are true and to put it simply, they are no longer a secret. I spend more time entertaining distant daydreams then I do actually living my dreams. But I admit these shortcomings. They are part of me. So while my writing may come across aloof and rather sensationalized, take comfort in the fact that I am the main character of my own dissatisfaction. You may feel some of this, I am sure we all do, but I feel all of it. I accept who I am because I dont want to change what makes me unique. We both know that is pleasant bullshit. I am self destructive and self deprecating. I am trapt in my head because there is nobody to open the door to get out. Then again I may have forgotten to tell people I was in here. So please judge me and my writing. I only wish you could find some criticism that I have not already expanded upon.


STW

The Jump

It's the deep breath
While you stand on the edge
Hoping your eyes will reassure your brain
But you see nothing, nothing
Your breath becomes heavy, noticeable
Your ears are filled
With the rush of your own thoughts
But something forces you to the edge
Something makes you move forward
And for an instance
When you are surrounded by air
You realize the fall could last forever

Stanley T Wiser

my mind has not been itself
because it has not had its companion
that stimulates its being
therefore leaving it somewhat stagnant.

I'm left feeling invigorated
and creative to boot
words are forced in and out of my head
like laundry down a chute

spending the summer in the rockie mountain way
i felt invincible
now back on ground
i feel dispensable

this ongoing feeling
of negative force
I'm reckoning with
the unsatisfactory that i didn't miss

trying to understand why this is forbidden
just makes me want it more
let me move where i can have it forever

Theo D.

fake t-shirts

i have no respect for you as a person,
running around and spitting out lies,
then all you do cry when i ask why
which just makes me want to kiss the sky.
you built me up just to break me down,
oh buttercup get a grip of your life
instead of holing on to me just to watch me drown.
your inconsideration's strengthen my path,
so i never have to look back.
i attack only now whats ahead
and i only see metallica finally fading to black.
I've dealt with your kind before but no more
i say no more to you because your one of me
I'm a bull in the stars,
but i like the squirrel in the tree...
that i sit under and let the apple fall on me
with a little help from its friend gravity.
stopping is not an option i will prevail
through all the barriers
doing what i do best, giving a fuck about who cares.
I'm the king of my body and no one else will rule me
and if you mean something say it,
othersmart its not wise to fool me.

Theo D.

cloud 9

all around i see me are faces,
with no real face.
the simplicity of their complexion
gives them no real race.

whats a race that kills,
one that deserves to be in none.
therefor there can be no racism,
and all the killing can be done.

see the faces of your neighbors,
love the faces of your neighbors.
and love all the sexually unaccepted neighbors,
or some may call them geighbors.

everyone should love everyone no matter,
what shape size or colour.
love everyone to death,
instead of just killing my sisters and brothers.

we were all made from the same thing,
so were all wawrefaric cannibals.
killing and manipulating the minds,
eating all up of all the bullshit the gov says.

all i am saying is give peace one chance,
it will successfully dormant war.
which means we can have more success,
and everyone can live more.

Theo D.

solitude is a key in ones span of living,
i try and take as much as my mother earth will give me.
in the grass alone or with you,
chasing our words out of our mouth that cant seem to stop moving.

when i cant seem to be me,
i go where i know i want to be.
imagining my place of peace creates peace in me,
which then in turn brings me back to me.

you cant feel any happier emotion than knowing who you are,
truly, spiritually,physically,mentally,and emotionally.
ones who feel this are the gayest people in the world,
and will always provail through the obstacles they must pass victoriously.

knowing who you are gives you the motivation,
to do what you know you are capable of.
but living who you are is the kicker,
and if you don't live your life as you the world will give you a shove

Theo D.

my love.

my love is figurative,
like a fugative playing lunatic fringe in my kitchen.

my love is literal,
like i literally just shit my self jumping on the trampoline.

my love is infinite, definite,
though redefined through many acts of spite.

my love is invisibe,
though radiant through the right set of eyes.

my love is fiction,
like the world we live in and the fucks we share it with.

my love is real,
like the blood beign shed by suicidal maniacs on the streets everyday.

my love is anything and everything,
that makes me grow to who i am and who i am too become.

Willie Crooked Smile

I am...

My eyes are burning with the desire felt but once before. I float through a valley walked by many but remebered by few. Their footsteps echo with the daunting sound of my imminant demise. Soon the sensation will leave me, yet my mind keeps my thoughts burned in my head. I am not lost but awakened to the greater sense of meaning burning before me. Those who judge are left only with the satisfaction empty sensation that they are better than me. But I can see more clearly, as if the smoke let down the curtain to a hidden mirror. I see my reflection and realize it has changed more than I care to know. I am simply a shell of who I was and what I believed in. No matter where I go from here, I carry these scares forever. I am no longer a pillar of confidence and knowledge, but a man who cringes at the thought of time and death. I am a lost soul, bound by faith, yet driven by the unknown. I am...nothing more than a man of the world who wishes to prove he can sit atop the milkey way and rule with a fist of dust. For that is all we really are, dust in a cosmic universe.

STW

my other name

I see things differently,
that others may see clearly.
I see things repeatedly,
so i begin to fear thee.

Are these signs important,
or should i pay no mind.
This cannot be happening,
it's not my time.

Gasping for breathe,
from the horrifying scene.
I'm in dire need of oxygen,
Tis the only thing i feen.

This plot is still occurring,
like a scratched compacted disc.
My head is on a lose swivle turning,
I am begining to feel sick.

This noise crescendos,
deep within my brain.
I know now im losing it,
I cant even remember my other name.

I see thing differently,
that others may see clearly.
These things keep repeating,
so I begin to fear thee.

thankful

this situation is sticky,
so is your hair.
what if we have to cut it,
oh what a SCARE.

i have no recollection
of that past event occuring.
but in the background
i see a pirate with scurvy.

fallen to his knees
he crutches on his sword.
behind him a gnarly wave arises
and he becomes decaptedted by a board.

talk about a bad day
how much worse could it get,
maybe as bad as pete rose's
addiction got to bet.

i have no recollection
of that past event occuring.
but in the background
i see a pirate with scurvy.

now lifeless and wet,
the pirate is off somewhere he will want to stay
and when he looks back,
he will be glad he had that day.

No Way Out

Once again here is dream so any inconsistencies should be ignored...

I find my self in the back of an old pick up truck. There are hunting rifles all around the rusted bed, and as I look around more I see both of my little sisters pressed against the window of the truck. I am not sure who is driving. As I look behind me I see that we are driving through a forest path. It is fall because all the leaves are burnt orange. I stare farther up the path and suddenly my heart twists and I am scared stiff. The only description I can offer that you can relate to is "Orc" like creatures are chasing us. I would air more to a demon-like look, however they look too much like men. I pick up a gun and shoot, they are for some reason only single shot guns. The "orcs" seem to be gaining ground on the pick up truck with every shot I take into the seething black mass. My sisters are screaming for help. I look ahead of us and see a log cabin. For some odd reason I know there is a trapdoor that leads to a tunnel inside the cabin. As we pull in front of the cabin, the "orcs" are 20 or 30 yards away. I grap my littlest sister, and hold my other sisters hand as we sprint into the cabin. I can hear the growls of the "orcs" as I throw the rug off the floor and lift up the trapdoor. I drop my sisters down into a blackness in the floor, and turn to look into the face of an "orc" whose face is guant. His nose looks like a skeleton's and his eyes are wide. He raises a sword and growls as thousands of "orcs" poor into the room. My heart skips. Then suddenly the dream starts all over again. It repeated three times before I woke up in a cold sweat, more scared then I have ever been in my entire life.

STW

Slaying a Giant

Mind you this was a dream so logically it may not make sense. However none of this was made up. I dreamt every single action that takes place and added no more or less.

The mist is heavy as it falls on the green mountainside. I am running for my life. I have a companion with me, someone who is familiar to me, but I do not see their face. As I keep running towards the mountain, I turn my head to see what I am running from. I see four figures, cloaked in black, running at me with swords drawn. It fuels my fear and I begin to feel my legs ache with exhaustion. I look towards the green mountainside and suddenly see a grappling hood thrown over the top of the mountain. Instantly a figure cloaked in blue is running up the rope, and I recognize them to be friendly. As I turn to the figure I am running with more men, cloaked in blue begin to gather in front of me. As I reach them, they are all staring intently at my pursuers, and I realize that my companion is no longer with me. Suddenly the men cloaked in black behind me are building a wall, preparing for what it seems a battle. They have red banners and are waving them as more and more black cloaked figures begin to mass behind their stone wall. I look to my right to see the blue figures creating a wooden platform with wood spikes surrounding it. A man is sitting on the chair that is perched on top of the platform. He is wearing what appears to be black and blue animal skins, and is completely bald. He turns and hands me a sheathed sword. The sheath is made of twisted gold metal, and is quite heavy. Suddenly the men in black across from us are attacking. I hear distant yells and see men fighting, however I am not engaged in the battle at all. I have the looming feeling in my head we are losing, as if we are the good guys being pushed to the brink. Then a man in black lunges at me. He swings and I raise the sword in sheath to protect myself. The sheath begins to crack, and suddenly the sheath breaks away from the sword. As I stare down out the voice I hear a booming voice echo in my head, "That is the sword I need". I look up to see a man who towers above everybody else. He is a giant by all respects to the word giant. I suddenly realize I must fight him. I lunge at his ankles, slicing quickly, then jump up, somhow using the sword to propel me up and slice his face. He merely laughs and I realize my blade is like a paper cut to his skin. I then realize the only way to bring him down. He grabs me, I see his eyes, black and lifeless as he brings me to the front of his face. I suddenly lunge from his grip, and grab the side of his face. I quickly scramble to his ear, and thrust my sword inside his ear, hearing it crunch bone as it drives through his skull. I am then woken up by my mother vaccuming.

STW

destiny

i sit here and ponder deep to myself about what destiny is and how we have a so called planned destiny....like a father for instance who once was a great athlete at a certain level and him wanting his son or daughter to succeed in what he did. my previous statement is a prime example of why i think no one can really control ones destiny. you are the most manipulated in what your parents want as you become a toddler and then and into an adolescent. sure at the teen age years you may rebuttal with my formers statement at the begging of this ponder on paper, but here is that truth, no matter how much you may think your creating yourself by eluding curfews, making bad grades, or hanging with the crowd that your parentals would dissent from, all of that billy bad assness was created by them. your parents have control of how you are and will be for the rest of your life. you may stray from this in a sort of freedom that you may think you area attaining, but in reality your just at the top of your invisible cage sheltered over by your parents. so back to the fact about not having your own destiny. i have had a conception on how my life has been manipulated not necessarilyin a negative way but maybe a way that could have made things easier or maybe just a little more enjoyable rather than a struggle my entire life. the thing is i have two fairly exceptional god given dextarities. the thing is i was pushed towards one where i was but wasn't built for. where the other one i could pick something up by ear and learn very easily. i feel like i was made or shall i say destined to be something other than i have been groomed to be. i feel that a lot of people may have encountered a thought of why am i doing this and who am i doing this for when i would have maybe rather wanted to do something that could very have been just as if not more success full then what i am doing. i love what i am doing but i know that it was not my destiny and i think it may be a little to late..........

TD

bump on the butt

tis funny how quickly and drastically things change in complete polar opposite directions. one day things area smooth sailing then whamm! your knocked faster on your ass than you could say something long and hard to say...nothing came to mind. Know in this situation you can only think positive and things will change back to the way they were as quickly as that one word you thouhght of earlier or didnt casue you didnt have time; none the less time passes and shti hits the fan. Your fed up wtiht all the shit that was brought upon you, you say fuck it, so thats exactly what you do...fuck it. go out, have fun, do what it is that you want to do no matter what it may be and dont stop and dont let anyone carry you down again. with this go out and just gander...there are so many out there. literally, just millions to pick from. dont let one that you think you know, and really do not, fuck you in your ass because without the foreplay you ass will be left black and blue. the best part is is that when i got hit on my ass, i saw the truth and im more than happy about it...

TD

Welcome to the world

Welcome to the world of the wicked and the damned
A world that went sour far to quick
When I awoke a society had harshly rammed
The idea that humans were no better than ticks

Yet when I gaze upon the sleepwalkers and daydreamers
I see a future that could have been
We could have been showstoppers and dare takers
People who strode to better themselves and their kin

But somewhere along the line we lost sight
Of who we were and what we could do in life
We chose to flounder in the common plight
And teeter the world at the edge of a knife

The politicians and celebrities can not help us now
Its the inner strength of the people I must find
However few want sweat to fall from their brow
And I fear death will not be very kind.


STW